Ramblings...

The noise in my head has got to stop but I don't know how to turn it off, let alone siphon through it to get to the good stuff, the meaty stuff, the important stuff. I can get to 3 feelings; anger, depression and loneliness. Oh, wait. There is a fourth; a lack of self worth. A lack of motivation. To do anything. I had to force myself to sit and write, not because I wanted, but because I need to.

Lets see if I can focus in on some of those feelings.

1. Anger- Why am I angry? What do I have to be angry about? Anger because I have not done anything to better myself. Anger because I have let myself go. Anger because I have lost the motivation to do anything. Anger because I feel I have let myself and everyone else down. Anger because I have let myself slip into a viscous (that word doesn't look right to me) cycle that I don't know how to break. Anger because no matter what I try, I can't find a damned job. And knowing that 2 major businesses in the area just laid off almost 200 people in the restaurant/bar industry is not going to make that any easier. Anger because I have let myself get to the point that I am almost completely dependent on someone else. Anger because...

Depression- well, I can say all of the above reasons and then a one more. To add to the shit-list above, depression because my Grandfather, the one person that I used to talk to about all of these things and ask advice from is dead. The man that I looked up to the most in my life. The man that I considered a Father more than my own Father. Taken. Gone. You know, I actually tried to call him last week, even though I knew in the back of my mind at the time that he was gone and wouldn't answer. I think all that I wanted was to hear his voice, but instead I got "We're sorry, but this number has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error..." That made me even more depressed.

Dealing with the death of a loved on, especially someone as close to me as he was, has been one of the hardest emotional things that I have ever had to deal with, and I don't think that I am dealing with it well. I don't know how to deal with it. To accept it. To process it. It really is messing with me. Fucking with my head. My heart hurts all the time. And then, because this is how I process things, I take that pain and turn it into anger. Anger I deal with. Get out. Direct at something or someone. But emotional pain is a whole different story, one that I don't know how to write. Or even read, for that matter. And what makes it worse is that I feel that no one close to me understands that.

Which leads to the loneliness factor. Now, when I say that "no one close to me understands that" I'm not necessarily referring to my true friends. I'm talking about the people up here, in Sacramento, that I have met over the last couple of years and consider acquaintances. I feel that I have plenty of those, but no REAL friends. I don't even think that my own wife understands. I don't have the support of the friends and family that I have back home. More times than not, I feel that I have no support at all. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is what I hear the most. "Get over it" is what I hear on the other end of the spectrum. Not necessarily in those exact words, mind you, because that would be mean and somewhat cruel. But close enough to get that thought or feeling across. No helpful advice, words of wisdom, or much of anything else, for that matter. No one seems to know how to help a "friend" through a time like this, or seems to want to even take the time.

Not that I want or expect to be coddled or anything of the like. But someone to take the time to talk to me or even just listen to what I have to say without interrupting or telling me shit that I already know would be nice. Or hell, just show a little patience and sympathy, for fucks sake! This is all so damn frustrating to me and I don't know how to deal, cope, sort through it, whatever you want to call it. What I feel the most is this heavy, debilitating sense of sadness. The worst part is that I can't see through it or past it except for occasional glimpses of momentary happiness. But they never last.

All of this leads op to the lack of self worth. How can I, a 35 year old man, with many talents and skills, let myself get to this point? I feel worthless more often than not. No job, no car, overweight, uneducated, unmotivated and uninterested in most anything and everything around me. I have let myself slip into a dark pit and don't know how to crawl my way out. But on the other hand, it's comfortable, almost. And that scares me.