Ramblings...

The noise in my head has got to stop but I don't know how to turn it off, let alone siphon through it to get to the good stuff, the meaty stuff, the important stuff. I can get to 3 feelings; anger, depression and loneliness. Oh, wait. There is a fourth; a lack of self worth. A lack of motivation. To do anything. I had to force myself to sit and write, not because I wanted, but because I need to.

Lets see if I can focus in on some of those feelings.

1. Anger- Why am I angry? What do I have to be angry about? Anger because I have not done anything to better myself. Anger because I have let myself go. Anger because I have lost the motivation to do anything. Anger because I feel I have let myself and everyone else down. Anger because I have let myself slip into a viscous (that word doesn't look right to me) cycle that I don't know how to break. Anger because no matter what I try, I can't find a damned job. And knowing that 2 major businesses in the area just laid off almost 200 people in the restaurant/bar industry is not going to make that any easier. Anger because I have let myself get to the point that I am almost completely dependent on someone else. Anger because...

Depression- well, I can say all of the above reasons and then a one more. To add to the shit-list above, depression because my Grandfather, the one person that I used to talk to about all of these things and ask advice from is dead. The man that I looked up to the most in my life. The man that I considered a Father more than my own Father. Taken. Gone. You know, I actually tried to call him last week, even though I knew in the back of my mind at the time that he was gone and wouldn't answer. I think all that I wanted was to hear his voice, but instead I got "We're sorry, but this number has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error..." That made me even more depressed.

Dealing with the death of a loved on, especially someone as close to me as he was, has been one of the hardest emotional things that I have ever had to deal with, and I don't think that I am dealing with it well. I don't know how to deal with it. To accept it. To process it. It really is messing with me. Fucking with my head. My heart hurts all the time. And then, because this is how I process things, I take that pain and turn it into anger. Anger I deal with. Get out. Direct at something or someone. But emotional pain is a whole different story, one that I don't know how to write. Or even read, for that matter. And what makes it worse is that I feel that no one close to me understands that.

Which leads to the loneliness factor. Now, when I say that "no one close to me understands that" I'm not necessarily referring to my true friends. I'm talking about the people up here, in Sacramento, that I have met over the last couple of years and consider acquaintances. I feel that I have plenty of those, but no REAL friends. I don't even think that my own wife understands. I don't have the support of the friends and family that I have back home. More times than not, I feel that I have no support at all. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is what I hear the most. "Get over it" is what I hear on the other end of the spectrum. Not necessarily in those exact words, mind you, because that would be mean and somewhat cruel. But close enough to get that thought or feeling across. No helpful advice, words of wisdom, or much of anything else, for that matter. No one seems to know how to help a "friend" through a time like this, or seems to want to even take the time.

Not that I want or expect to be coddled or anything of the like. But someone to take the time to talk to me or even just listen to what I have to say without interrupting or telling me shit that I already know would be nice. Or hell, just show a little patience and sympathy, for fucks sake! This is all so damn frustrating to me and I don't know how to deal, cope, sort through it, whatever you want to call it. What I feel the most is this heavy, debilitating sense of sadness. The worst part is that I can't see through it or past it except for occasional glimpses of momentary happiness. But they never last.

All of this leads op to the lack of self worth. How can I, a 35 year old man, with many talents and skills, let myself get to this point? I feel worthless more often than not. No job, no car, overweight, uneducated, unmotivated and uninterested in most anything and everything around me. I have let myself slip into a dark pit and don't know how to crawl my way out. But on the other hand, it's comfortable, almost. And that scares me.

Back again...

Back again. Now that I remembered that I had this, maybe I will start writing again. My wife was asking me tonight if I still wrote anymore and I started thinkin, No I don't. I began to ask myself why, and I have no good reasons. I got lazy and stopped writing. Anywhere. On anything. No journal, no random blog posts, no miscellaneous scraps of paper; no nothing. Have I shut that part of my brain off? Have I gotten so used to the noise in my head that I have just accepted it and decided that I don't need to let it out> I think that I have just gotten so lazy that I don't care, nor have any desire to...

What a start....

Show me some love!

Holly crap, I just created a blog. This is the kind of crap I do when I can't sleep, or haven't had enough sleep. I used to be one of those people that laughed at bloggers and those that blob, but now I have become one of them. What is this world coming to?

Maybe this will help me. Maybe, by writing, I can get rid of some of the noise that is constantly in my head, clouding my thoughts and feelings. Maybe, just maybe, by writing and getting rid of all this stuff I might be able to sleep better at night, or sleep through the night instead of waking up at 4 a.m. and staring at the ceiling for 3 freakin hours wondering if I will ever be able to go back to sleep.

My issue today is women, or one woman in particular. I won't name names, but if she were to read this, which I highly doubt she will, she would know exactly who I was talking about. My question is why do women have to be so selfish and thoughtless, especially when it comes to the men that love and support them? I know that some of you are going to say something like "not all women are like that" and this may be true, but today I am using it as an example. I don't get it, though. You do everything that you can think of to make them happy, but you forget one little thing, you forget to show them gratitude for something, anything, and suddenly they bring up everything that you may have done wrong, every fluke, flaw and imperfection that you may have, throw it in your face and expect you to swallow it like it a frickin' Hershey's Kiss or something. We don't need to hear things like,
"I make more money that you do."
"I'm paying all the bills right now, because you're not working enough."
You don't thank me for taking care of us."
Blahblah blahblah blahblah!!

What the fuck is wrong with you! Can't you women see that as men we spend most of our lives trying to find that right woman, and once we do find them we spend the rest of our lives trying to keep them happy (once again, a generalization)? Because we all know that if a woman is unhappy, the our lives are going to be fucking miserable! Once in a while we would like some gratitude, some appreciation, some thanks. Not much to ask, in my opinion. Just a simple thank you once in a while to show that you appreciate us for all that we do for you. A card, flowers, strip-o-gram, six pack, whatever, just show us some love!